I wish i could understand

Writing after ages is little difficult than i thought...but i have got inspired by someone in recent...
This is something which i feel..
I feel like I'm waiting
for something that I
know in the back of my mind
probably wont happen.
I just don't want to fully admit it to myself
I've already set my hopes so high...

There is a time in almost every person's life where one tries to figure out what's going on ???
you would thinking why am I talking like I'm all lost
and the answer is...i wish i could understand

I really don't know if i am needy, or just want to hide..
i would restrain my feelings like there is nothing going on my mind
It is way too difficult to control everything at the same time
There are times when you wanna just give in..
i tell myself sometimes that i would do anything to just come in his dreams once in a while
coz it would be stupid to just stand by..

I would just like for every person to let them open up and share what is their inside
it is not necessary that everything has to end up with love and promises like a lovely romantic movie has been ever built up in our mind...
just never let the time go away and latter regret the things you never said or be there for someone you care

Like..believe and care for the people who are important in your life..and the most important thing..please be true to yourself while thinking of what i said all this while..
By now I'm sure you would thinking why am i sharing this thought which seems to be specifically personal..but no my dear friend..it is not...but i wish i could understand the way i feel and decide to share it like this..

P.S : SPECIALLY FOR YOU ..THANK YOU..for inspiring me to start writing once again..

About some men and why girls like me are single...

             I just accidently bumped into my Crush..who still is absolutely HOT !!! and cute..etc etc..but was with his girlfriend..i was so wishin her to be his sister but..no wen he was holdin her by her waist i realised there is an end to my hope of he getting attracted to me..why does it has to happen with girls like me..i am sure there are lot of girls all around who would feel,believe and react the similar way...
        I was just surveying about men..relationship and their types..
I have a statistical breakdown to it...and I'm really honest..it breaks my heart almost every time i think of getting up and standing across the guy whom i feel is my type but end up not even getting a chance to go for even a single date..coz there is hardly any guy left ..who is perfectly your choice in one single look..
They can look good,impressive,smart,funny,rich etc etc...but unattainable !
        The statistical breakdown of guys/boys/men..wadever..

   50% = Married Men
   30% = with wrong females/ already in a serious relation
   10% = Assholes whom you can never cling to
    5% = Gay
    5% = Commitment phobic/ too far of your reach

I dont know if you agree with this stats but I am sure situations like when u are attracted to a guy who is smart,intelligent,cute etc etc..and you get butterflies in your stomach when you talk or plan to start a conversation..you either end up talkin more than required or getting embarrassed by not keeping up with the expected casual talk..you can have random guy's...or even situations like you accidently meet some guy who help's you in middle of the night when you standing outside your place to get a secret entry..or just someone you saw while travelling and you keep hoping you get to know that charming personality..who can impress you just a smile,offering a seat or just looks..
It happens every where....workplace,Party,Church or any social meet..
and the worst part is there no complete remedy from this problem..just keep hoping and dreaming that you will be lucky to get the right guy...but I'm sure lot of females would find that soul mate or awesome partner..wadeva you call it..

P.S : Dedicated to all my girlfriends..who think alike..and for all my Crushes..wish to get lucky soon

Ahmmm...weird

Ahmmm...weird..!  is like the best and non demanding adjective ever..you can use it possibly whenever and wherever you feel like..for example..what a weird feeling ?...what a weird dressing sense ?...what a weird guy/girl ? itz like you just give a adjective which is either positive or negative..usually the latter one though..
           ahmmm...their is weird phase also in people's life..their are lot of confusing emotions,drama,silence...things which you cant explain or say it loud but want others the actual ones to understand..itz a mixture of many feelings at the same time.you want things to happen and you even want things to not happen....
weird as a adjective which never pressurizes you to explain discreetly ..itz just simply something your own and you have the very right to use it whenever you feel like..
do you as a individual ever get a feeling of like your stomach flippin out and your anxious and just want things to get settled..ahmmm yes this is somewhat a weird feeling ,where in you are trying to explain your mind that just give up on these difficult emotions..i know it sounds like PMS but it isn't...
so i am sure you would be wondering what is it all about...me writing so many things with no connection..ahmmm  il just say it is just something weird..and i am in a weird mood..!
yea but their is one thing important which is not to be forgotten...
KEEP SMILING  :)

Support

If uve ever realised..the start is always difficult and i guess there is a reason behind it.even me writing a post after this long is  kinda difficult bcoz i was trying to find a content supporting my thoughts strong enough to pen it down.... I believe every person looks around for support either to hold on to it or take advantage trying to wonder will the the effort u are trying to put is worth it or not..?
Life can act like a Bitch...but u gotta screw it and move on !
I am trying to be very optimistic..Trust me...
In life everyone expects the support factor to be permanent..it can be in the form of Friends,Parents,Teachers,Boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on individual's choice)
 But sometimes SUPPORT is in the form of a habit/s like Drinking,Smoking,Doping or simply anything which takes your mind off...
Ive seen people loosing hope,seen getting over the problems without the support system..though I am not sure is it the situation or the willpower hidden inside which makes them alive again..i am still trying to figure out the answer..
even though i am not a big fanatic of LOVE and something like it what people believe in but as far i have heard the Loved ones are the biggest Supporter..and i think this is the reason why Maximum people fall for someone when they are going through a rough patch in life..
I have a habit of observing people around so suddenly i am like mum and look around and the company I am with keeps wondering wad is wrong with me..i believe observing people around and the way they react in a situation teaches you a lot...
For me..my best support system are..
1. My best friend Payal
2.ALL my close friends
3.Drinking
4.Parents ( sometimes..depends on the situation )

so choose your Support system" wisely"...and be" loyal" to it...
Living Life to the fullest and believing in oneself and specially share your stuff Happy or Sad moments and make them memories..
for my friends and the people who like to read my Blog..Il try and always be there for you..

A LOT LIKE LOVE

     3rd July 2001...it was pouring and was kind of cold...i (Aaira-tall,thin,fair but with glasses and a low self esteem ) was walking towards school..a new school..from my ex school..it was not a great feeling coz i had to repeat a year... couldn't cope up to get my grades enough to clear as i was not in good health to complete my papers n wasn't even that good in maths..itz way to logical..n i guess, i think from my heart...

    i was almost on time for the morning prayers..the school use to make a big deal of it...the rains also had poured and finished its quota for a while...according to the system..the girls n boys had to stand in to different groups...it use to be a almost a 15 min affair..
 it was 9th std again..and i had a girl named charmi (who lived in my building ) in this new school..St.Lawrence High School...i dint wanted to meet her coz i was afraid she would tell everyone about me repeating a year..

   As i entered my class i sat on the second last bench...i use to almost ignore everyone around..just waitin for the school to finish..this attitude was there for atleast 2-3 months..had made two close friends Drasty and Pankhuri.
we had the'monitors' and 'prefects' and the honoured school's 'Head boy'..Vinay ...tall dark..im not saying he was handsome..but he was attractive...and had a girlfriend Sneha..with cat eyes and fair skin..Miss Popular..

     one day there was a meet and he thought i fit a replaced person's position very well..weird..he dint think of his girlfriend but me..!!! i had to sit with vinay and sneha wad a trio...god's sake..
i was hating that moment..im not sure if i was jealous but it was uncomfortable..i just hated vinay more from that moment...after two days i was attending my English class taken by my class teacher..she was strict and rude..so i was trying ti focus and keep extra attention...suddenly a monitor of other class appears and gives mam a note..everyone was quiet and mam looked at me...i was scared she told me that der is Asha mam..who needs to see me..and i was like i dont even know who this new Asha mam is..
        i came outside the class..with a confused expression...i started walking down the stairs and i see vinay and that girl who got the note..vinay gave me a smile but i dint react..so they both explained that the whole Asha mam calling me was a fake call..to get me down..
he said that the miss prefect is absent n cant make it for a representation for a function with him..and i was like "do you think i would miss my classes and spend time with u ! " i was rude coz i hated him..but he dint feel bad..we dint talk much..but always had the eye contact talking..
    slowly things settled down..on 1st August Friendship's day...he came up to me and wrote on my hand "HAPPY FRIENDSHIP'S DAY -YOURS VINAY"
even i wrote on his hand the wishes..and co incidently we kept that ink till next day ..avoiding to wash the palm..our liking for each other was in our hearts but we dint tell anything..months passed by..and our friendship grew..the vacations came and it was evident that the distance was going to be painful..so we started calling eachother rarely though..there were no cellphones at that time..

     next thing you know we end up in the same class..as if it was god's wish for us to be close...i was very shy..i would not even sit next to him on the bench..he use to walk me home from school..where we would get our private time..his friends use to tease him..but he dint care much coz for him i was more important..
  his friends asked him to make it formal..coz almost everyone had an idea that we both like each other..
One day...while dropping me home, he tried telling me something but was fumbling..nervous like hell..
his friends called him at one corner..yelling at him..and abusing..one guy even hit him on his back..
he came back ..saw my face ..smiled with butterflies in his stomach ..and proposed me..expressing in his gesture by lookin at me then looking down..the words were sounding like honey+sugar+candy+almost everything sweet...i was blushing like crazzy..was so shy that i couldn't  even look into his eyes..i told him..il let you know my ans by tommrow..
      so from the next day we started carrying on..officially...it was such a pride...i use to remove my glasses during morning prayers to give a fresh new pretty face look and not the nerdy look..coz after prayers he use to get busy..as he was a athlete also..so the practice time..would take him away from me for the first class..i use to badly wait to see him..the relation was going smooth...Love blossmed...
even my class teacher and almost the whole school knew about my love affair...my class teacher use to actually tease us..
     In Dec 2002..we had a camp to Jaipur for 7 days..everyone were excited making shopping list and deciding all the crazy stuff we can plan..the day came,early morning everyone with parents and suitcases were ready..the worst condition of the trip was that the girls and boys have to stay differently and can almost not even talk...i dint have parents with me in school...they just dropped my stuff..they never come to drop me or say the good bies.. but there was vinay with his Dad...he walked towards me and looked at my baggage..
there was this look on his face..mixed emotion types..he told me that "if u want il carry your luggage..how can u possibly carry all of it..my sweetheart"...suddenly my mam arrived and looked at us..she said vinay enough of romantic scene..we gotta leave..
         we all left in the bus..reached station and guess what..the whole train was booked for us..so the boys were in a different boogie..so that opposite sexes cannot even get a glimpse of eachother...
the train started..after a while..there was attendance..n vinay begged my class teacher on his knees..that he has to see me once...plzzzz.but it was against the rules to get a guy in girls compartment....he forced mam
so she had to get convinced but only for 5 mins..
  Mam got her near my seat..and every girl beside my seat were shocked amazed and waiting to hear our conversation...he looked at me..smiled and said.." i dont know how will these 7 days pass..without you..u plz take care of yourself..u mean a lot to me.." i was all okay..happie go lucky mood..i told him thats sweet of u..n v had our good-bye..
then after he left my girlfriends were like he is so sweet and romantic..ure so lucky !!!!
there it clicked me...that i am going to miss him real bad...and i was not sure of my actual feelings..but there were tears in my eyes..and i realised..it might be juvenile to be in love-love...
but this is surely a " LOT LIKE LOVE "...